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Stress / Depression  

Depression or I am clueless

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Anonymous User

16th Jun 2021
11:46 PM

Hello, I am 20 yo, female. It all started in 2016 when I met a senior in my school. I liked him a lot but he kept me dangling in between and at the end it left me heartbroken. I cried for days. But then thought of moving on which I did successfully in following three months. The following months were painful. I didn't know what was happening with me. I used to talk a lot, laugh a lot. My grades kept decreasing and it was tragic to find myself, a scholar failing. There were times when I used to eat nothing and there came a period where I ate so much. I did observe there were days were I was so full of energy ready to fight everything. I often slept so much and someday I cried for no reason and was emotional over nothing. I was never like this. I was cheerful and optimistic. I stopped studying, stopped being with crowd. It started choking me. No friend was a support during that phase. I felt used and thrown. 2017 made life terrible with subjects I didn't like and no external help in those subjects. My brother was the only person who kept me alive. It was Nov 2017. When I wanted to die so bad. The night I planned to. But saw my Mum sleeping which stopped me. I had no love affairs nor i was remembering that guy. But I was alone. Alone and lonely. No one would hear me. I kept crying thought failures ruined me more. I was a good student and heavily competitive. But I don't know what happened.The crowd choked me so much that I kept uninstalling installing WhatsApp, deleted my social sites accounts.Finally in 2018, I thought of a new beginning but believing something is not right. I loved writing but couldn't write anymore. I took a year drop for my law entrance and things were better but still not appreciable. I ruined my exam in 2019 due to some external factors and I don't have any excuse for the same. Post exam in 2019, I had a period of heavy breakdowns from May to October which continued subtly till December, I was suicidal again, not wanting to see the next morning. Belonging to an orthodox household, I never could manage any professional help and still cannot. I got admitted into a college and worked really hard for a year(internships/papers/studies) until December 2020, The empty feelings have started surrounding me again after being silent for a year. Dec'19-dec'20. I don't know what's wrong. I suffered some rejections for my book, followed by couple of things. My deadlines are crawling over me and I can't bring myself to work at all. I don't feel like working at all. Last two weeks have been very tough. Before that, I had a creativity phase where I could write a lot and I did it but times weren't any good. I have an internship lined up, and I can't take a break. Thank you so much, any help would be like a potion. Also, please note that I can't bring myself to any professional help because of my background and I am still a student, I don't have any single penny. I am lost in empty thoughts and cant seem to find my way, I want to get back to work and do well in life.

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